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Album Reviews

Running With Scissors, released June 26, 1999, is "Weird Al" Yankovic's 10th album, and his 4th that he produced himself. Featuring iconic parodies like The Saga Begins and All About The Pentiums, as well as fan favorite originals like Your Horoscope For Today and Albuquerque, this album is a personal favorite. But does it hold up under a track-by-track review? I sure hope so...

The Saga Begins

The first of two singles for this album and the first of three (formerly two) music videos The Saga Begins could be treated as a "spiritual sucessor" to Yoda. The track retells and sumarrizes The Phantom Menace. I like this track, however I've never seen The Phantom Menace, so the references fly over my head. However, I think it succeeds very well, and as an additional point for Weird Al's "nerd cred", the original draft of the song was based off of spoilers he plucked from Star Wars fan sites (which is something only a total geek would do in 1999), and it only needed minor changes after he went to see the movie's early screenings.

Rating: 8 Sith lords out of 10

My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder

I'll be honest, I don't know who Eddie Vedder is, so the jokes in this song fly over my head. However, it's an incredibly fun song to sing along to. My favorite part is probably the part where he called Eddie Vedder the "designated alienated spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation."

Rating: 7 ground molars out of 10

Pretty Fly for a Rabbi

A song making fun of Jewish stereotypes. I don't know if I'm the best person to speak on this song and whether it was OK, since I am very much not a jew. However, as this is a review of the album, I have to give my thoughts on the song. To that matter, I think it's alright. It's funny. Trying not to say much about it until I can ask someone who is Jewish.

Rating: X yarmulkes out of 10

The Weird Al Show Theme

Hey, the Weird Al Show! I own the entire series on DVD. I'm also a sucker for TV show themes. At just over 1 minute, this is definitely the longest song on the album. I heavily doubt there's any songs on this album longer than this one.

Rating: 8 jelly bean and pickle sandwiches out of 10

Jerry Springer

Good LORD this one did not age well. I suppose it's sort of lost on me given that I've never watched Jerry Springer, but honestly, I think this is my least favorite track on this album, if just for the use of words like transv****te, herm******ite, and sh***le. However, it is still quite a fun song to listen to and sing along to. Skipping the now-slurs, that is.

Rating: 6 episodes taped religiously out of 10

Germs

I love this song. I actually like it so much that I made a fan music video for it. Might even be my favorite song on side A. As demonstrated in the video, some of the lyrics just paint an incredibly vivid picture in my mind of what it is he's singing about.
And good lord, he is HOT when he performs it live.

Rating: 9 cans of disinfectant wipes out of 10

Polka Power!

The final song on Side A, this is another one of Weird Al's classic polka medleys. His eighth, to be exact (unless you count the ones he's performed live before In 3-D.) Not much to say about this one, honestly. It's a polka medley. They're usually good.

Rating: 7 accordions out of 10

Your Horoscope For Today

I like this song. I even made a web app based on it! My 2nd favorite track on the album. Fun fact, the music video for this song didn't come out until 2023. That's 23 and a half years between the album releasing and the music video! However, I have to say that I feel like there were other fan favorite tracks on this album that deserved to have their Illustrated Al depiction turned into music videos.

Rating: 10 hours spent playing Whack-a-Mole out of 10

It's All About The Pentiums

From the fact that I named my Weird Al fansite "pentiums", you might think this is my favorite song on this album, but you'd be wrong. However, it is up there - a solid 3rd place, in fact. All of the insanely nerdy insults (alt.total-loser, "You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette", "As useless as JPEGs to Helen Keller", and "biggest joke on the Internet") really get it up there for me.

Rating: 10 terabytes out of 10

Truck Drivin' Song

The first Weird Al song I'd truly laughed my ass off at in a long time. The sudden twist is so hilarious that I almost don't feel like actually saying what it is. Actually, you know what? No. I'm not gonna tell you. Listen to it yourself.

Rating: 9 trucks out of 10

Grapefruit Diet

This song's funny, and because of it, I actually listen to some Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Because of that, I also quite like the original for this song, too. Just as The Saga Begins feels like a successor to Yoda, Grapefruit Diet feels like a successor to Fat.

Rating: 8 grapefruits out of 10

Albuquerque

How do I describe it? I don't think I have words to explain just how damn much I love this song. I mean, it's a tall order to express that when you're talking about your favorite Weird Al song of all time, on your favorite Weird Al album of all time. I mean, come on. 11 minutes and 23 seconds of amusing anecdotes from the state of New Mexico.

Rating: 11
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs In the corner of the basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Aww, big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy I said to my mom I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said "It's good for you" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut Until I was twenty six and a half years old That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque Albuquerque Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women With excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer "Who is it?" They're not sayin' anything So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that" "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said It said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" In Albuquerque Albuquerque Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters" I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check" "No, we're outta bear claws" I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I said "OK, I'll take that" So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know, I think it was just about that time That a little ditty started goin' through my head I believe it went a little something like this Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, aah, aah I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' Like a constipated wiener dog And as luck would have it That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face" That's when I knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby" "I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment" So we broke up and I never saw her again But that's just the way things go In Albuquerque Albuquerque Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw" So I did And then he gets all indignant on me He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic" Well, that's just great How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is I hate sauerkraut That's all I'm really tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandary Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours There's still a little place called Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque I said "A" (A) "L" (L) "B" (B) "U" (U) "Querque" (querque) Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque
s out of 10

Conclusion

In conclusion... well, to put it simply--

(beat)

--THIS IS THE BEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME!!!!

Rating: 10 stabbed runners out of 10

Formats owned on: CD, cassette

Oh, take me back...